Mindfulness and Well-being

Hello lovely readers! I know I don’t have a consistent post schedule, but that may change at some point. I have been working on self acceptance for a long time and I am at a point where I am comfortable to share my personal life with close friends such as my boyfriend. Oh yeah, I’ve got one of those! He’s terrific, and I am glad we’re not going super quickly. No, as I tell my cat MR.E on a nearly daily basis, patience gets the best rewards! It gets my cat a nibble of my food and it gets me a healthy relationship.

So the title of this post is Mindfulness and Well-being, I should explain. Prior to my current relationship, I was in a somewhat macabre one. I thought it would improve as time went on, but even after several breaks I gave the other individual involved to try to learn how to behave properly, they didn’t learn. I rushed into that relationship because I had very little self worth at the time (as well as throughout the relationship) and they surely didn’t help. They were isolating, rude to others, and verbally malicious towards everyone.

That relationship ended after I didn’t want a sugar wafer, see Thank you, stranger at Chili’s! for more information about that. I am still very grateful for that Good Samaritan being there.

I spent a month learning how to love myself afterwards. That was a tough time, but I learned that I deserve better. I learned how to express my needs—emotional, physical, psychological, all of them—to others. I learned about the red flags I should have noticed early. I learned about the green flags to notice that would make any connections I make going forward worthwhile. I learned about myself as well, more specifically what I can contribute to a relationship and how I can improve my weaker traits, nobody is perfect after all.

During the last month of that unhealthy relationship, I started perusing websites to make more friends, as the only person I was communicating with at the time was that individual I was in a relationship with and I was feeling lonely. That is when I come across Taylor. I was intrigued by this individual, but I had to go on a month long journey to discover my self worth, so I made a connection with him and told him I’d be back in a month. I don’t truly remember how I explained myself, but after the month, I returned and he was still interested in being friends. See JOY if you want to read more about him.

I was just as patient with him as he was with me, and now we are dating. This friendship was established with much stronger bastions than the previous, so I only see it progressing in a positive direction from here!

Thanks for reading, have a wonderful day!

JOY

People like to be happy. I have found my version of happy. It involves nerdy things, nerdy people, and patience. A lot of patience.

I have asked the other nerd involved in my form of happy if I may identify them in this here blog, and I got the green light, his name is Taylor.

I met him online, and we started the relationship building process as friends. Looking back at past relationships I’ve had with friends and more-than-friends people, I have to admit this was a wise and mature decision. Taylor works in a library as a part time librarian, has a college degree, has a meek and charming personality, and plays games (these are just some of his features). I thought,
“This person appears fantastic, let’s see how these characteristics hold up in person.”
They absolutely hold up!

I’m getting off topic, let’s real it back in. My apologies. 

I am a nerd, if you didn’t know. If I had to be more specific, I am a book nerd. From what I’ve seen of Taylor, he’s a nerd as well. I believe Homo sapiens are a social species, so finding others who share similar qualities is beneficial. After meeting Taylor, I believe my living conditions have improved. If I merely think of him, I feel my body produces more dopamine!

I’m glad to have someone like him in my life. Life can be chaotic, so I appreciate his dependable support. It’s not a one way street though, and I provide support for him too. I’m excited for him to reach his goals and he’s just as thrilled for mine.

MORNING PEOPLE

I am absolutely a morning person.

I have been like this for a long time, I say it’s because of how early I had to wake up for primary school/middle school/high school. Also college had early classes, and I have a Bachelor of Science degree in educational studies, so I had to relive the whole getting-up-early thing from primary school but this time I was in the teaching role so I had to get up even earlier.

I don’t know if that made me a morning person or not, but I truly enjoy it.

According to my research on a government website, I discovered that morning/evening people are likely predisposed from their genes. Also, studies have shown that this is a heritable trait. If y’all want to read the whole webpage, go to:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4876263/

As I mentioned above, I’m absolutely a morning person, and although it can annoy those around me when I am ready to start the day at 07:00, I will let my body perform how it does best—in the morning! Have a wonderful day and thanks for reading.

Do you want to help heal sick and injured kids in hospitals? I can tell you how!

Hello beautiful people, I participate in a charity that raises funds so that sick and injured kids can really feel like kids through positive hospital experiences at Children’s Miracle Network Hospitals (CMN hospitals ). It’s called Extra Life, and I can attest to experiences being positive at these CMN hospitals because I was at one after a traumatic event. I had a terrific experience, sure there was pain and tears, but I didn’t feel like a lesser person being in a hospital. That’s the point—I was a ten/eleven year old kid who felt like a kid.

If you want to help give children a better chance of having the best possible experience during hard times in hospitals, you can do just that by donating to Extra Life at https://www.extra-life.org/participant/be-graceful

Every dollar helps! Together we can #ChangeKidsHealth and change the future!

Children’s Miracle Network Hospitals® raise funds and awareness for 170 member hospitals that provide 32 million treatments each year to kids across the U.S. and Canada. Donations stay local to fund critical treatments and healthcare services, pediatric medical equipment and charitable care.

https://www.extra-life.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=cms.page&id=1306

Feeling needed

In my opinion, it is a good thing to be needed. Whether that need is a friend you can count on or being a warm pillow for a beloved cat to rest on, it feels good to be needed.

Fantastic I didn’t know reshaping the image would erase the captions so I’ll write them again. Don’t ask how I took this picture, it was magic. Featured in the image is Mystery the cat resting against my left foot and my left arm with a tattoo of a dog and a cat in the shape of a heart.

ADVOCACY FOR INDIVIDUALS WITH DISABILITIES

I am just trying to find work opportunities that clearly define what accommodations can be used, but it is rather difficult. I don’t want to rush into anything. So I’m changing my plans. I don’t want to work, I want to advocate. My life is very fluid so change is welcomed.

I want to advocate for individuals who have disabilities. I am disabled myself and I am finding it so hard to find productive activities to pass the time. I don’t have hobbies, nor do I have many friends, and I want to live on my own some day.

Rent is more expensive in the long term than buying a house, so I don’t plan to rent. Even if I inherited the wealth of a rich, late uncle (I don’t have a rich uncle and I wouldn’t be inheriting anything, this is just to make a point) money doesn’t last forever and house payments don’t wait. I would be evicted and back at square one.

So how does one avoid this? They make money! I’m a disabled person, which is very evident to see. The seeing part is how most of you sighted people judge people superficially unfortunately. Discrimination is a hard thing to deal with for anyone. It’s a true shame.

So… now that we’ve established that life as an adult—with or without disabilities—living in the United States of America is not free, how does someone get a job?

My first attempt at finding something to do was in October of 2020. It was recommended by my Nana that I try to get a job at her church working in the preschool. I thought that was a great idea, and I arranged an interview with the person who hires people. I don’t know if this person is a teacher. Either way, we have an in person meeting in her tiny office. I hand over my resume (I should have looked at it first because it wasn’t updated) and talk about teaching/coming up with lesson plans. I even showed a sample lesson plan I had made in college for preschoolers. Everything was looking good. Once I get back home I realized I gave an outdated resume and decided to email it. Once I get an email back, I read it and unfortunately didn’t get the job. But the reason I wasn’t hired, in her words, was,

“I fear that it may be very difficult for you to lift the children for diaper changes and sometimes our children, all ages, will run from us in the hallways or on the playground when it’s time to go inside. If that happens, it may be very difficult for you to chase after them…”

In the same email, it is noted that my resume definitely shows I’m a good candidate for the job. The reason I wasn’t hired was because the interviewer assumed I could not preform daily work tasks that I hadn’t even demonstrated in the interview. I was denied a job because I didn’t look like I could lift or chase a child. And unfortunately for the interviewer, her discrimination was through email, so I still have it.

I was discouraged from getting a job after realizing that some people hire based on looks alone. So I’ve been stuck ever since. I want to advocate for individuals with disabilities for many reasons, one definitely being so they don’t have to apply for jobs and be turned away because of their disabilities. First of all, it’s illegal to discriminate based on disabilities. I have no clue what gave the interviewer the idea that what she said was acceptable. The interview seemed fine, I wasn’t given the ability to demonstrate what I was being judged on. I want to teach people about how to talk to people with disabilities. My disabled ex boyfriend didn’t know how to talk to me right, and I think if the curricula becomes more inclusive, to disabled people, LGBTQIA+ people, to all the minorities… I think after a few generations people can be fearless of unjust judgement and discrimination.

Dare I reference Bill Nye? If the general curriculum in schools can adapt and become more inclusive, we can … dare I say it … change the world.

Thank you, stranger at Chili’s!

Thank you, stranger at Chili’s for pointing out the red flag I’ve been ignoring in my relationship. I now know that the man I was with had been rude throughout the majority of the relationship and have ended it. I was excusing his behavior because I thought it was a part of his disability, but now I strongly believe disabilities do not give people the right to be rude with zero consequences. I will be referring to my ex as the man mostly through the post.

The stranger had asked me while the man was in the bathroom if I was okay. He didn’t work there, he was being a Good Samaritan and had overheard the man speaking very loudly and continuously interrupting me. I told the stranger that I was used to that treatment because I believed that behavior was a result of his disability. I told the stranger everything was okay and he walked away hesitantly.

When the man returned from the bathroom I must have had a strange look on my face, as he asked, “what’s wrong?” I told him I would tell him in the car (I didn’t tell him the reason until we left the restaurant because I didn’t know how he would react, and in hindsight I’m glad I waited) He asked if he had done something wrong and I nodded. He changed his tone of voice to the higher pitch he characteristically uses when in disbelief of the situation he’s in and questioned me some more, but I kept saying that I would tell him in the car.

After I paid for the meal (I told him beforehand that I was treating him to dinner), we left to go back to his parents’ house. In his parent’s car I told him about the kind stranger. He blew it off like it was nothing (because this happened all the time and this stranger was the first person to mention that it seemed odd and impolite). I told him that he was being rude and he still pushed it off. He has apologized for the way he talks to me in the past, but it’s not a true apology unless one makes an effort to change, and this has been a constant struggle.

We finally get to the house and greet his parents and his puppy. He originally didn’t want to go out to eat with me because he didn’t want to leave his dog alone. His dog wasn’t going to be alone, and he knew that. His reasoning is that he has sole responsibility of the dog and doesn’t think that his family members would care to let him outside. He has never owned a pet before, so he is still learning that people aren’t heartless enough to ignore a dog whimpering to go outside. Granted, it takes a little extra energy to put the dog’s leash on as they are not allowed to have a fenced in yard, but seriously. None of his family members said there was any issues with the dog once we got back.

Back to the point, back to the situation. we went to the basement to watch some television and snuggle. He had been having issues with the gas prices being high so we made a deal that if he took me home that night, I would take a ride to his house the next day. He told his parents that I wasn’t able to get a ride as an excuse to be able to spend more time with me because we hadn’t seen each other for more than a week. I’m still upset that I have to compromise on transportation due to gas prices, am I really not worth paying a little extra at the pump? I guess not. We had been arguing about this in the past too.

Before leaving, the man sees vanilla wafers on the countertop in the kitchen. He became very excited about it, and I gathered from the tone of his mother’s voice that he wasn’t supposed to eat them. He got some anyways. His mom brings up a story about how he used to hide food in his mattress as a child. There was laughter and smiles. She said she found a cow rib once and didn’t know how long it had been there, and that caused more chuckling between all of us. The man asked me if I wanted a vanilla wafer, to which I declined and told him his mom didn’t offer so no thank you. Yes that was a little passive aggressive, I take fault there. She chuckled and the man and I left soon after.

The ride back to my parents house was pretty uneventful. We talked about what we were going to do the next day. He seemed happy. He kissed me goodbye and left.

The next day started out fine. I sent him a text in binary code and he replied with a bunch of happy face emojis. Roughly an hour later, he messages me and complained that I was being rude and disrespectful to his mom the day before (yes he was referring to the passive aggressive comment) and said I crossed the line. I don’t feel it necessary to describe the entire conversation. I mentioned he had no issues with me the night before and that I feared someone else was influencing his emotions.

His mother appeared to have some issues with me throughout the relationship. She was kind to my face and talked to the man about me behind my back. I only know this because the man told me about a few instances shortly after they happened. She would make baseless claims about my disabilities and would scoff about what little she knew to be true, such as me having insomnia. After the first few times the man reported it to me, I wanted to get my story straight with his mom so she would be less ignorant about the man’s love. I was over for dinner one night and I explained all of my “ailments” with her. She has a disability herself so I thought she would understand. Unfortunately this didn’t change her predetermined and biased view of me. She would continue to make snide comments about me to the man behind my back. That kind of behavior is childish. She obviously doesn’t want to give me a chance, but that was mostly okay because I wasn’t in a relationship with her. I say mostly because the man has a toxic and codependent relationship with her. She made me cry before because of how callous her behavior towards me was. Please, be polite to everyone. I’m a human, not a punching bag. I broke down one night because of him relaying her comments over the phone. I forgot about it because I wasn’t dating her but her son didn’t seem to ever stick up for me and tell her to stop.

I message him that our relationship isn’t working. I didn’t understand how I was being rude to his mom when declining the wafers. I think she got into his head and finally got him to hate me. He is known for the large number of things he hates, and I’m in that collection now. I couldn’t deal with his mom influencing him so much. He messaged me today, trying to insult me by saying I’m immature. I let him know his insults don’t work on me anymore to which he responds with “It’s not insulting. It’s the truth.” I questioned how long he planned on staying with an immature woman but then gave up hope. He won’t change easily. He didn’t receive any help for his disability as a child and it’s affecting his life very negatively. I told him to congratulate his mom as she finally won her son back and disabilities do not give anyone the right to be a**holes. He needs to grow up and get help.

So once again, thank you, stranger at Chili’s, for helping me realize that my relationship was not working. I have been dating the man for roughly three years, I was still in college and he dropped out of college for maybe the third or fourth time at the end of senior year. He is using his parents money to keep dropping out, and doesn’t understand college isn’t for everyone. If he wants to keep wasting his parents’ money so he doesn’t have to act like an adult and grow up, I have no influence on him or his parents decisions. Goodbye, it was nice knowing you, you probably didn’t tell your mom I said congratulations but that’s just fine. Also you probably won’t read this entire post because you didn’t like reading my long text messages. Buh bye!